I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
we should paint friendship bongs
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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