3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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