youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
