so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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