I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
