genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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