1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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