I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
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There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
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Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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