it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Less talking, more tequila
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
