I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Less talking, more tequila
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
