I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
