Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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