i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
