He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
