Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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