It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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