that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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