Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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