seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
