i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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