She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
