you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
