im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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