The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
