I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
