Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
