hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
my poor anus
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
