ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
where are you?
Hypothermia
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
