you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
