I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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