I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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