If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
