He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
