I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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