Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
