D3 body, D1 cock
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
