Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
