If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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