Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
