You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
