paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
