My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
