Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
