Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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