Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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