R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
