My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
