nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
