It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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