somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have already put on my inside pants.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
