I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
