Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
you would pick up someone in the library
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
