So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
